Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Meet The Press – October 25, 2015

Dr. Ben Carson
Rep. Trey Gowdy
Rep. Elijah Cummings
Jon Harwood
Doris Keans Goodwin
Jennifer Rubin
Stephen Henderson

Todd: OMG it was the most important 
10 days since 1917!

Todd: Joe Biden dropped out!

Todd: Hillary Clinton thrived at 
the Benghazi hearing!

Todd: and Jeb's campaign is failing!

Jeb: I've got better things to do than –
vote for Trump you ingrateful fuckers

Todd: we're 99 days away from Iowa!

Todd: the smarty-pants crowd
is confused by Carson

Trump: Ben Carson is beating
me but he's sleepy

Todd: Donald Trump attacked
your weird religion

Carson: I don't get into the mud pit

Todd: he says you have no energy

Carson: I spent 20 hours in surgery

Todd: were you awake?

Carson: but I am relaxed – I was once volatile

Todd: oh really

Carson: I used to throw bricks at people
and once tried to stab someone

Todd: that's pretty hard core Ben

Carson: I'm a different person now

Todd: why do you always use Nazi metaphors

Carson: Jewish people tell me
they love my Nazi metaphors

Todd: they do?

Carson: it's the media who try to 
stir things up just because you 
call someone Hitler

Todd: so you really believe Jews could
have stopped the Holocaust if hey had guns?

Carson: tyrants always disarm people
so they can dominate people

Todd: so should citizens have rocket
launchers to overthrow the government

Carson: of course otherwise we 
will have absolute tyranny

Todd: really?

Carson: yes but we should
forcibly disarm crazy people

Todd: so sane people should
have any weapons at all

Carson: of course

Todd: what about surface to air missiles?

Carson: there are laws about that

Todd: well that's my point

Carson: right

Todd: okay

Carson: exactly

Todd: does life begin at conception?
Carson: I think so

Todd: who has greater rights – the 
zygote or the woman?

Carson: ideally there would never 
be abortion

Todd: okay

Carson: it's perverted to think women
have a right to abortion

Todd: so you think there is no right to abortion?

Carson: none at all

Todd: I see

Carson: women enslave their embryos!

Todd: would you make all abortion
illegal with no exception?

Carson: that sounds right

Todd: what about to save the
life and health of the mother?

Carson: possibly

Todd: how about rape or and incest

Carson: you don't kill a baby for that!

Todd: got it

Carson: what if that baby grew up
to be heroic politician who found to
restrict individual rights?

Todd: what's your health care plan?

Carson: Medicare and Medicaid
hold people back from success!

Todd: some people like them

Carson: I don't want to get rid of them –
I just want to get of the need for them

Todd: how do you do that

Carson: we give people cash

Todd: cash is good

Carson: we allow people to shift cash around

Todd: you would eliminate insurance companies?

Carson: no because you would still
need to buy a cheap catastrophic plan

Todd: so where does the cash come from?

Carson: we take it Medicaid and Medicare

Todd: would you hire a surgeon who
never had any experience in medicine
and if not why should Americans make you President?

Carson: our government was set up to 
be run at an 8th grade level

Todd: maybe

Carson: experience is useless – 
common sense is much better

Todd: perhaps

Carson: plus I will surround
myself with experienced people

Todd: good idea

Carson: I'm always thinking

Todd: thanks for coming Doc

Carson: you too Charles

[ break ]

Todd: we got fresh polls!

Todd: which party is in the mainstream?
Surprise! It's the Democrats

Todd: Independents agree with
Democrats on everything but guns

Todd: on the other hand people
really really love guns

Todd: omg everyone agrees
Hillary ruled the Benghazi hearings

Todd: good morning Rep Gowdy

Gowdy: uuugh

Todd: you grilled Hillary Clinton
for 11 hours and didn't learn anything new

Gowdy: well there are several tranches

Todd: which tranche cover 'epic fuck-up'

Gowdy: she didn't take responsibility!

Todd: oh alll right

Gowdy: the penulitmate objective
is to avoid another Benghazi

Todd: you seem obsessed with Sidney Blumenthal

Gowdy: no she was obsessed with him!

Todd: of course

Gowdy: he was writing to her about Libya!

Todd: got it

Gowdy: why did he have unfettered
access to her! Where were the fetters??

Todd: but you never even asked 
about Libya policy in general

Gowdy: Susan Brooks did ask about her piles

Todd: but Susan Brooks also
lied during the hearing

Gowdy: nobody's perfect

Todd: true enough

Gowdy: Clinton said Blumenthal's
e-mails were unsolicited!

Todd: do you regret grilling her
for eleven hours on live television

Gowdy: hey nobody forced her to come!

Todd: oh I see

Gowdy: we only bicker on live television

Todd: you think television adds to grandstanding?

Gowdy: of course it does

Todd: how sad for you

Gowdy: I wanted it to be secret hearing
but that stupid Hillary Clinton wanted
the American people see the truth

Todd: was Hillary Clinton a cooperative witness?

Gowdy: no because she lied

Todd: thanks for coming Tray

Gowdy: aargh

[ break ]

Todd: the Democrats didn't challenge Hillary Clinton!

Cummings: we're interested in the truth!

Todd: Trey wanted the hearings in secret
and hidden from the people as befitting
a great democracy

Cummings: frankly unlike Trey Gowdy
I'm glad the hearings were public and
not done in private

Todd: you're objectively pro-democracy

Cummings: the families begged us to
make sure this wasn't a political football

Todd: Hillary told Chelsea it was al-qaeda
but told the public it was about an internet video

Cummings: that's because that night
al-qaeda took credit for it and then the
CIA said it was about a video

Todd: will Democrats quit the 
committee in protest?

Cummings: no because we need
Democrats in the room to defend the truth!

Todd: of course you do

Cummings: let's release all the transcripts!
Let the people see what this has been all about!

Todd: are you running for the Senate in Maryland?

Cummings: well I'm leading in the polls and I'm not even running

Todd: impressive – most impressive

Cummings: but first I gotta ask Trey Gowdy
when this damn Benghazi committee is
going to wrap up its witch hunt

Todd: I notice you do keep track of the polls though

Cummings: oh you gotta do that Chuck!

Todd: indeed you do – thanks for coming!

Cummings: thank you T-man!

[ break ]

Todd: in ten days Clinton tightened
her grip on the White House

Todd: this was the month she won the Presidency

Todd: in September everyone was
writing her off

Todd: then won the first Democratic debate
and Joe Biden dropped out and then won
an eleven-hour hearing

Todd: she looked polished and Presidential

Gowdy: I had a rough Thursday

Todd: it looks like Clinton is in it to win
and no one and nothing can stop her

[ break ]

Todd: welcome panelists

Todd: Jeb Bush said he's got better things
to do than listening to people demonize
him and everyone elect Trump

Goodwin: to be elected President you have
to show strength and optimism not whining and complaining

Hardwood: he sounds like weasel

Todd: the American people want an outsider

Rubin: Bush acts petty and put-upon

Todd: it's not an act

Rubin: he's befuddled and unhappy because
he felt he should have made President by universal acclaim

Henderson: Ben Carson is getting lots of small donations

Todd: Trump loved polls when he was leading
and now he's coming in second he's attacking the pollsters

Todd: then he attacked Ben Carson's
weird religion on their sabbath

Goodwin: can you win an election without
proving yourself unworthy of the office?

Todd: speaking of that – Trump still leads

Hardwood: and yet he's panicking
over one poll in one small state

Todd: who cares about Iowa anyway?

Rubin: Trump does because
he needs to be the alpha dog

Todd: he attacked Ben Carson's religion

Henderson: that was un-American

Todd: is the real winner Marco Rubio?

Hardwood: the nominee will probably
an insider with some minimal qualifications
and the person most likely to fill that 
gap is Rubio

Todd: Bernie Sanders is going directly
after Hillary Clinton saying she's
unprincipled and lacks judgment

Henderson: where was he during the debate?

Todd: is he Barack Hussein Obama
or is he Gene Hussein McCarthy?

Goodwin: he's should say he's going
to bring the outside and insider together
like abolitionists did

Goodwin: Clinton is shedding her former
sense of entitlement and is now a fighter

Todd: what does her new status 
do to the Republicans?

Rubin: the GOP now know they need to
nominate someone articulate and who
is not a total crazy person

Todd: Mitt Romney?

[ laughter ]

Todd: this week Romney endorsed
Obamacare then immediately backtracked

Hardwood: jesus what an idiot

Todd: why can't he just be himself –

Henderson: right – he's not even 
running for anything

Todd: or maybe he is!

[ laughter ]

Todd: and that's another
episode of Meet The Press

This Week with George Stephanopoulos – October 25, 2015

David Wright
Tom Llama
Donald Trump
John Podesta
Gen. John Campbell – Cmdr. U.S. Forces in Afghanistan
Jennifer Granholm
Mark Halperin
Jon Heilemann
Ana Navarro

Stephanopoulos: OMG there were 
fireworks in Iowa

Wright: oh wow Bernie Sanders 
went after Clinton!

Wright: but Clinton was introduced 
by Katy Perry

Clinton: hear me roar!

Sanders: we're gonna make history!

Wright: he called Clinton a 
flipper-flopper on trade

Sanders: I never supported that deal!

Wright: but Clinton has driven all her
opponents from the field and eleven-hour
Benghazi hearing made her a hero

Wright: but she's still a partisan lighting rod

Wright: she will probably win but then
again that's what we said in 2008

Stephanopoulos: omg Ben Carson
is now leading in Iowa!

Llamas: it's so exciting

Trump: I'm number two! I don't believe it!

Trump: he's low energy!

Trump: what the fuck kind of 
cult is 7th Day Adventists?

Llamas: Bush stopped paying his staffers

Llamas: doctor Carson could win in Iowa!

Llamas: but Trump still leads 
in all national polls

Stephanopoulos: welcome Donald Trump

Trump: get on with it buddy

Stephanopoulos: you attacked 7th Day Adventists

Trump: I just don't know anything
about it so that's what I said

Stephanopoulos: so why did you bring it up?

Trump: I just don't know about it

Stephanopoulos: then why raise it at all?

Trump: because I don't know about it

Stephanopoulos: will you apologize?

Trump: no because all I said was 
'I don't know about it'

Stephanopoulos: Ben Carson said you
can't forcibly deport 11 million people

Trump: he's weak!

Stephanopoulos: I see

Trump: George Bush's weak immigration
rules caused the attacks on 9/11

Stephanopoulos: I see

Trump: we're going to let the good ones
come right back in and keep out the bad ones

Stephanopoulos: brilliant

Trump: there are real bad ones and
they will get out so fast your head will spin

Stephanopoulos: it's already spinning

Trump: good

Stephanopoulos: Ben Carson 
wants to get rid of Medicare

Trump: that's a great idea actually

Stephanopoulos: so you would also get rid of Medicare?

Trump: definitely – it's worked for
decades so clearly we don't need it anymore

Stephanopoulos: can you stop
Ben Carson's amazing surge?

Trump: I have a massive lead in New Hampshire!

Stephanopoulos: he's beating you in Iowa

Trump: I find that hard to believe

Stephanopoulos: Jeb Bush says he
would be a miserable President and
people should elect Trump

Trump: He and Ben Carson 
are low energy losers

Stephanopoulos: perhaps a bit

Trump: we're being ripped off by foreigners!

Stephanopoulos: go on

Trump: we need rich people!

Stephanopoulos: they're very nice

Trump: Jeb is a total disaster!

Stephanopoulos: that's not untrue

Trump: I'm number one and I'm
not even spending any money!

Stephanopoulos: that's amazing

Trump: Ben Carson is running loads 
of ads
in Iowa and he's being led by his 
SuperPac which is wrong

Stephanopoulos: we had a focus group
that likes you a lot but also thinks
you're a total asshole

Trump: I will be a great unifier – 
also Obama is awful

Stephanopoulos: you said the country is going to hell

Trump: America is the world's laughing stock!

Stephanopoulos: really?

Trump: the USA is in terrible shape!

Stephanopoulos: what's your debate strategy

Trump: I predicted Osama bin Laden 
back in 2000!

Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming Donald

Trump: Loser!

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: welcome John Podesta

Podesta: thanks George

Stephanopoulos: Trump says under
President Hillary Clinton the country 
will go to hell

Podesta: he's an idiot

Stephanopoulos: that's checks out

Podesta: he just hurls insults

Stephanopoulos: well he beats
Hillary Clinton in some polls

Podesta: oh please – she would crush him

Stephanopoulos: Bernie Sanders says
he is authentic and has conviction and Clinton is calculating

Podesta: she's not a flip-flopper – she's just a very good listener

Stephanopoulos: has Bernie Sanders peaked?

Podesta: he's gone negative which is mean

Stephanopoulos: is Hillary Clinton only 
good when her back is against the wall?

Podesta: maybe but when you're President
you're back is always against the wall

Stephanopoulos: in a way

Podesta: she endured that stupid Benghazi
committee for eleven hours which is longer than
Titanic and Avatar and Gone with the Wind all three Godfathers

Stephanopoulos: that third one was bad

Podesta: she's learned from that 
epic defeat in 2008

Stephanopoulos: did Hillary Clinton reveal classified information?

Podesta: that was a five billion dollar
taxpayer-funded witch hunt

Stephanopoulos: the FBI is investigating

Podesta: bring it on baby!

Stephanopoulos: you're confident

Podesta: those e-mails show a hard-working
successful Secretary of State fighting for America

Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming

[ break ]

Raddatz: omg US forces rescued hostages from ISIS!

Soldier: damn fucking right we did

Raddatz: the Afghans need a lot of help too

Solider: we've fired 7,000 rounds 
of ammunition

Raddatz: wow it's like America on 
an average weekend

Soldier: our biggest concern is still IEDs

Raddatz: General Campbell are we 
beating the Taliban?

Campbell: they're very tough

Raddatz: you're low on troops

Campbell: a bit

Raddatz: does that hurt you

Campbell: we lose eyes and ears

Raddatz: that's not good

Raddatz: look at this ISIS graduation ceremony!

Raddatz: their commencement speaker read
Oh the Place's You'll Go and then told them it's Afghanistan

Campbell: that's a good book though

Raddatz: does Afghanistan still threaten the homeland?

Campbell: absolutely!

Raddatz: I'm scared!

Campbell: don't kid yourself martha!

Raddatz: everyone we talked to wants
America to stay and occupy Afghanistan

Campbell: right

Raddatz: but then again the U.S. did bomb a hospital

Campbell: that was a mistake

Raddatz: are going to be here for decades?

Campbell: yes it's just like Germany
except the Afghan people actually like us

Raddatz: okay then

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: omg Bernie Sanders 
went after Clinton!

Halperin: well of course because she's terrible

Heileman: he should go after her more!

Granholm: DOMA was years ago

Stephanopoulos: well she also voted 
for the Iraq war

Granholm: everyone evolves George

Karl: Clinton had a terrible summer

Stephanopoulos: right

Karl: but she just had 10 great days

Stephanopoulos: is Benghazi over?

Navarro: never!

Stephanopoulos: but she came off well

Navarro: she did look good

Stephanopoulos: Ben Carson may be
crazy but he leads in Iowa

Halperin: the elite East Coast media are
all snobs who think you make sense you
talk about government

Stephanopoulos: Trump went after
Seventh Day Adventists

Heileman: Trump's religion is even worse

Stephanopoulos: what is it?

Heileman: something do with a 
gold statue of himself

Stephanopoulos: Ana you're sticking with Jeb

Navarro: I was very happy to hear he
was slashing pay for his staff – that should
boost morale and solve everything

Stephanopoulos: you keep telling 
yourself that

Navarro: oh god why did I sign with that idiot

Stephanopoulos: is Marco Rubio in the catbird's seat?

Granholm: he's too extreme

Stephanopoulos: but he's young and handsome

Navarro: he's like Obama!

Stephanopoulos: a bit

Navarro: he's the most eloquent
person in politics today

Stephanopoulos: Mark who do you like?

Halperin: Ted Cruz

Stephanopoulos: oh really?

Halperin: also Rubio and Kasich and 
Bush and Christie and Carson

Stephanopoulos: way to cover your bases

Heilemann: the nominee will probably 
be a crazy outsider

Navarro: oh god

Granholm: Trump and Carson want 
to get rid of Medicare!

Stephanopoulos: sorry we can't 
talk substance

Granholm: but but
Stephanopoulos: no we're out of time

Stephanopoulos: but first today's quiz

Stephanopoulos: and that's the show